Ahh! Real Zombies
by ttchaku
Summary: Puberty had hit Kyle like a meteor. Slash. Multiple Pairings.


**Ahh! Real Zombies!**

**Disclaimer:** Do. Not. Own.

**Summary:** Puberty had hit Kyle like a meteor. Slash. Multiple Pairings.

**A/N:** I wanted to write a response to my last story, _Kyle's New Groove_, and all the conventions it embodied…I am deeply amused at what happened instead.

**Warnings:** Minor abuse of the CAPS key. Quotes lifted from Various People of Importance. Also: zombies, gore, sex, and gayness of course.

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><p>In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move.<p>

-Douglas Adams

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><p><strong>Act One<strong>

**P**uberty had hit Kyle like a meteor. He was covered in acne; his hair was greasy and he showered twice daily but still sometimes had B.O. He had shot up like a weed in all the wrong places. His arms and legs were too long, his neck still cockeyed. His face looked somehow deformed, his forehead sloping awkwardly upwards; chin covered in reedy thin bristles and little red eruptions dotting pale skin like rotting raspberries in cream. His eyes were squinty, deadlocked by thick glasses and his voice sometimes broke into a railing screech whenever he spoke above a whisper.

And his mother insisted he'd grow out of it.

Fuck her, Kyle liked to complain to Cartman. Fuck her and her well meaning tube of Clearasil right up the ass.

Of course Cartman just laughed at him and smoothed down his stupid "There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't" shirt which Kyle hated because it was pretentious as hell and people kept interrupting Kyle's ranting to ask Cartman what the fuck it meant and of course Cartman would always stop and explain the entire fucking thing to them. He knew Kyle hated that, that's probably why –

"Kyle, hey."

Kyle jumped, slamming his locker into his knee painfully. "Goddammit Stan! Stop doing that I swear to god!"

Stan smiled at him indulgently. Kyle was going to rip off his perfect face one day. "Alright. I'll never come up behind you and say your name again."

Kyle gestured at the passing crowd. "Don't you have somewhere to be? Lording over your swooning masses or bending over so you can guide a lost freshman to his homeroom by sole means of the light coming out of your ass?"

Stan laughed. "Your mother shoved your head under a faucet and scrubbed again didn't she?"

Kyle bristled like a cat. "Look Stan_ley-_"

"All right, all right, I'm leaving. Wendy's over there and I need to say hi. Don't miss me too much."

Kyle snorted. "Get out of here before your brain explodes from making sentences with more than two syllables in it."

Stan eyed him and then latched onto his neck, completely ignoring Kyle's shouted "I said FUCK OFF!" and playfully messed Kyle's hair. "You're getting way too bold." Stan said contemplatively. "You need to start showing me some respect. After all, I'm class president and captain of the football team. You're on the debate team and I saw you trip over your own feet seven times on the way to school." He let Kyle go and stepped away from him looking horrified. "People are going to start thinking that I hang out with you because I actually like you."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Next time you headlock me, I'll try to cry a little. Happy?"

Stan grinned at him as he left and called over his shoulder. "That'll be perfect."

Kyle gave him the middle finger and turned away from him. Cartman was walking towards him. "What did the football star want?" he asked, typing quickly on a blackberry.

Kyle shrugged. "Just to talk."

"About?"

Kyle shrugged again. "Nothing really. Just saying hi."

Cartman snuffed, putting his backpack away. "You seeing Christophe tonight?"

Kyle shrugged. "I was planning on it. Why, you want to come along and monopolize him _again_?"

Cartman grinned guiltily. "I just have a question on dynamic system theory."

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Whatever. It's-"

"I'm behind you."

"Jesus fucking Christ Stan!" Kyle screamed, jumping "You just took five years off my life. What is wrong with you, what!"

"Kyle, you just said-"

"This is not what I meant, not at all. NOT AT ALL!"

"Tetchy today, aren't we?" Stan grinned, looking to Cartman for support.

Cartman rolled his eyes. "Don't use words that are above your IQ level, Stanley."

Stan looked crestfallen. He opened his mouth to retort, but Cartman turned to Kyle, eyebrow raised. Kyle grinned in return. He was ready.

"Famous People. Napoleon Bonaparte." Cartman spat out.

"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever." Kyle said back. "Orson Welles."

"If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends." Cartman answered. "Oscar Wilde."

"The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius." Kyle retorted. "Winston Churchill.

"Got it!" Stan interjected. "Don't talk to me about Naval tradition! It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash."

Both Kyle and Cartman turned to look at him. "What?" Stan asked "Didn't Churchill say that?"

Cartman sneered at him. "He didn't, actually. It's a common misperception. Kyle was probably hoping for something like: You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." Don't play the game if you're going to lose in the first round."

Stan bristled. "Then why don't we try it with another category. Like-"

"Like what? Pop music? Hipster clothing?" Cartman eyed Stan derisively. "Why don't you just leave Kyle and-"

"Movies." Kyle interjected smoothly. "Hombre."

Cartman turned away angrily. "Guess I brought my dirty laundry by mistake." He turned to Stan. "Star Trek."

"Cartman," Kyle snapped. "Give it a rest."

"It's okay Kyle," Stan said. "That's not a movie." He said levelly, though his fingers were curling into fists.

"There've been eleven movies, Stanley." Cartman spat back.

"Cartman," Kyle warned again. "Don't be a jackass. Just pick a different movie. It's-"

"Beam me up Scotty!" Stan blurted out, sounding triumphant.

Cartman snorted. "Play it again Sam." he answered and then stomped off.

"What the fuck did I do now?" Stan asked turning to Kyle.

Kyle gave him a strained smile. "No one ever said that line on Star Trek. It's just commonly associated with the series. Like in Casablanca, when Bogart's character…you have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"

Stan smiled sheepishly. "Sorry. Not really. I don't really watch those kinds of movies. I didn't mean to get pissed off either. Sometimes Cartman just…"

"Don't worry about it." Spotting Wendy waiting for Stan near his locker and Cartman idling twenty feet away from them, talking to Kenny, he said, "I've got to go. See you later."

Kyle walked over to Cartman and thumped him solidly on the head with his book bag. "Abuse." Cartman said drily and then went back to talking with Kenny.

"Cartman," Kyle snapped, dragging a hand through his greasy hair, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you always have to be such a fucking asshole, you Nazi bitch?"

"Charming as ever, I see Kyle." Kenny interrupted, "Not even going to say hi, are we? What is it this time, lover's tiff?"

"Cartman's being a dickwad to Stan. Again."

Kenny nodded sagely. "Well I have no fucking clue what to do about that," he said cheerfully. "I wanted to invite you guys to a party tonight."

"Us?" Kyle asked suspiciously.

"Yup," Kenny grinned conspiratorially. "I lifted the school keys from the janitor. We're going to have a school wide party tonight. Everyone's coming."

"Yeah okay," Cartman said, "But why invite us?"

"We have plans away." Kyle muttered. "With Christophe."

"Oh," Kenny waggled his eyebrows (Kyle resisted the urge to smack him). "With your boyfriend, then. And Cartman's going along as well. Kinky."

"Shut up, Kenny." Kyle snapped, his face turning an uninspiring mottled red. "And who cares if I am?"

Kenny grinned. "I don't. Bring him along. You guys should definitely come though."

Cartman rolled his eyes. "I know where this is going. You want to us to come because without us, Butters won't come. And you need Butters."

Kyle groaned. "Kenny, not again. Seriously. Last time, you almost gave Butters a heart attack. I thought his parents were going to kill him."

Kenny just grinned. "You know, I did want to invite Butters. And look, there he is, conveniently waiting by his locker. Why don't we go and talk to him."

"Kenny," Kyle groused. "I swear to fucking god-"

"Hey Butters. We wanted to invite you to the party at school tonight. Everyone's going. Kyle and Cartman included." Kenny said.

"We are not!" Cartman snapped.

"Oh come on guys, what were you going to do tonight anyway? Watch Star Trek?"

"WARS! Star Wars! Only nerds like Craig watch Start Trek!" Kyle snapped, and then paused. "And so what if we were?"

Kenny sighed. "Butters, it is your duty to help these poor sacks of shit gain a greater understanding of the world outside dungeons and dragons. Broflovski probably hasn't even let his boyfriend in his pants yet. That has to be a crime against humanity; the one thing he's still got going for him is that tight ass. If you go, they'll definitely go too."

Kyle sputtered. Cartman on the other hand, ignored Kyle's shouted "KENNY! STOP SAYING THINGS LIKE THAT IN PUBLIC!" and said, "Don't listen to him Butters. He only wants one thing and that, of course, is to get his hands on your Ouija board."

Butters eyes widened. "Again? After what happened last time?"

"Butters," Kenny wheedled, "Your Ouija board is what made the party so awesome last year. We need you. The party needs you. You'll have girls all over you."

"He's just using you." Kyle warned.

Butters hesitated. And then: "I've come to the conclusion that I don't mind being used for my Ouija board."

Cartman and Kyle groaned and Kenny whooped. "So all three of you of coming then?" he asked.

Kyle sighed. "I guess so. Someone has to keep an eye on the Ouija board. I'll call Christophe and let him know."

Kenny grinned madly. "This is going to be awesome."

Cartman narrowed his eyes. "The last time you said that, we had to-"

Kenny laughed. "Let it go Cartman. You won't have to pick out gigantic bear testicles out of Butter's daffodil garden this time. I promise."

* * *

><p>Kyle ended up getting ready for the party at Cartman's house. Of course, getting ready mostly consisted of showering twice and spraying Axe liberally over his entire body. As he waited for himself to air dry, he called Christophe. He immediately directed to his answering machine and Kyle sighed, shifting the phone between his head and shoulder so he could lift his arms and let his armpits dry out.<p>

"Yeah Christophe, it's me. There's a party tonight, so we're not going to be able to meet up until later. It's at the high school if you want to come. Alright, bye." Kyle closed his cell, ending the message and pulled on his shirt and a pair of Cartman's pants. He walked downstairs, tightening his belt until the pants were clinched tight.

"About time princess. Fuck, you spent 30 minutes in there." Cartman muttered, grabbing his keys, "S'not like it made any difference."

Kyle flipped him the finger and walked outside, Cartman following. They hopped in his truck and headed back to school. The school looked different at night. For one thing, more kids were streaming in now than Kyle had ever seen during the day and more weirdly still, they all looked happy to be there. Kyle took off his seatbelt and headed for the entrance, Cartman beside him. Once inside, Kyle looked around for Stan or Kenny. People were wandering around in groups of five or six, drinking out of the giant keg in the corner. Girls, sipping at colorful drinks, were giggling into their cups and eying the boys. An impromptu mosh pit had started in the science hall. Kyle could hear the throbbing beat of techno music from where he stood.

Cartman nudged him. "There's Kenny. Let's go make sure this Ouiji shit doesn't get out of control." Kenny was holding court across from the alcohol table (formally the military's recruiting table) with a gaggle of girls and several boys. They were looking intently at something.

"Yeah, good idea." Kyle said, "Do you know where Stan is? I don't want him to-"

"Hey guys, can't believe you actually came."

"FUCK!" Kyle jumped and turned around, not hearing Cartman's snort as he walked away to join Kenny's group, "How the hell did you get behind me again?"

Stan smiled charmingly. Kyle twitched. "I was greeting Wendy. She just came in. How long have you been here?"

"Just got here myself." Kyle said. He waved at Wendy who was stroking the sleeve of Stan's letterman jacket carelessly. "Hey Wends, practice run late today?"

Wendy looked at him and then self-consciously smoothed down her cheerleading skirt. "No, I wanted to go to the library and I didn't have time to change. Does it look weird?" she asked.

"Nah, you look hot babe. I always wanted to date a cheerleader." Stan said, leaning forward to steal a kiss. "Wait here okay, Kyle and I will get you a drink."

Wendy's face lit up. "O- Okay, but not a beer – or anything with too much alcohol, Stan. I have to study tomorrow," she hesitated, "Just get me soda."

Stan snorted and slung an arm over Kyle's shoulder. "No problem, Wends. Be back in a minute."

"Always wanted to date a cheerleader, Wends," Kyle mocked under his breath as they reached the alcohol and took cups. "You've already dated most of the cheerleaders in this school."

Stan laughed. "Aw, be nice. She's just nervous. It's her first big party."

"Her first big party where she's on your arm," Kyle fired back. "How long's she going to last?"

Stan punched him lightly on arm. "Don't say that about Wends. She's different." he said, liberally pouring vodka into a cup of orange juice.

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Sure," he said, "So was Heidi, Red, Bebe, Stella-"

Stan grabbed him around the head and knuckled his greasy hair playfully causing his drink to slosh and spill ("Jackass!" Kyle snapped.), "You know Kyle, it's like you like pointing out my faults. Aren't super best friends supposed to have each other's backs?"

Kyle wiggled out from under him and glared, rearranging his hair. "Dude, stop calling us super best friends. I'm gay but not that gay, okay. And I'm just letting you know that when you break up with Wends in approximately…2 weeks, I'm going to let her use a cannon to shoot you out a window - you know, for the hair thing you did just then."

"Oi lovebirds, stop cuddling and get your asses over here." Kenny screamed from over by the Ouija board.

Kyle sighed as Stan and he picked up their drinks and headed over to Kenny where Wendy and Cartman were already waiting. "Is it weird that whenever anyone says lovebirds we automatically respond?" Kyle asked.

"Nah, you opened the floodgates when you started dating Christophe." Stan said.

"What," Kyle asked, "Why?"

Stan eyed him critically. "Well because you confirmed that you're gay and Christophe's really just too tall for you."

"Too tall?" What the fuck does that even mean?" Kyle snapped, trying to smooth his hair down.

Stan looked at him kindly. "Kyle, don't take this the wrong way, but nothing you do is ever, EVER going to fix your hair."

Kyle kicked him in the knee and kept walking towards Kenny as Stan knelt over in pain.

Kenny greeted him with a boozy, "Dude finally. You two need to stop eye-fucking each other while other people are in the room." He dragged Kyle down next to him.

Kyle sighed. "Kenny," he said, "I have a boyfriend. And he," Kyle pointed to Stan who was just joining the circle, "is straight and a serial dater. We. Are. Not. Gay. Together."

Kenny leaned on Kyle's shoulder. "Whatever man, admit it whenever you're ready. Let's play Ouija!"

"You don't _play_ Ouija, butthead." Craig scoffed. "We need to call upon the spirits."

"Okay, how do we do that?" Bebe asked.

Silence prevailed.

"None of you idiots know how to use this thing do you?" Cartman asked, breaking the silence.

"Okay," Kyle said, starting to stand, "I'm out."

"Wait Kyle," Kenny said, clinging to his arm, "I can do it!"

Kenny reached forward and placed his hands on the planchette and said, "Oh spirits of the underworld, rise again and walk among us." Kyle stomach dropped like a stone as a deep sense of foreboding rose within him. "We grant you the right to partake in our…you know – food and shit." Kenny paused.

Nothing happened.

Cartman laughed under his breath and Kenny said brightly, "Okay guys, the spirits need more help. Everyone, put your hands on it!"

Everyone grumbled ("Dude I gave up my spot in beer pong for this?") but put their hands on the planchette. Once Stan finally placed his on top of the others, Kenny began again, "Spirits of the underworld – dude, look!"

The planchette had gone crazy, spinning around the letters and numbers of the Ouija board. Everyone jerked forward, drinking spilling, as they tried to keep their hands on the planchette. "Is it spelling anything?" Craig asked.

Kyle squinted. "Look, it's slowing down. Let's see. S.T.A.N.I.-"

"Stan!" Wendy squealed, "It spelled your name!"

"S.A.W.H.I.N.Y.-"

"What the fuck?" Kenny said.

"B.I.T.-"

"CARTMAN!" Stand roared, yanking his hand off the planchette and glaring at a chuckling Cartman. "Fuck off, will you." Stan stood up and stalked off. Wendy twisted her skirt in her hands and hurried off after him, but not without sending a venomous glance in Cartman's direction.

Cartman wiped tears away from his eyes as he laughed. "You guys should have seen his face. It was awesome."

"Whatever," Craig mumbled, getting up and leaving. The rest soon followed, a morose Kenny taking the Ouija board and saying, "Dude, never disrespect the Ouija board," except for Kyle, who sighed and slumped against the wall next to Cartman.

"Shit man," Cartman said, "Rag on perfect Marsh for a second and everyone gets their panties in a twist."

"Cartman-" Kyle started.

"Not you too," Cartman complained.

"It's not about that – it's just…it'd be nice if my two best friends got along, you know." Kyle muttered, kicking a wall.

Cartman laughed meanly. "No one asked him to become Mr. Perfect you know. He stopped hanging out with us first."

Kyle sighed. "No, he didn't. Look, Cartman – shit, Kenny does not look good. I'll be right back. I'm going to help him out."

Kyle followed Kenny as he stumbled drunkenly towards the bathroom. He was staring at the Ouiji board in drunken adoration. Kyle caught up to him just as Kenny levered himself against the door. Kyle propped the door open easily and steadied Kenny as he stumbled inside, his face turning greener by the second.

"Come on, you idiot," Kyle snapped, half-heartedly, taking the Ouiji board and tossing it carelessly onto the counter, "I'll help you."

Kyle led Kenny to a stall as Kenny's feet fumbled over themselves, sending them both face first into the nearest toilet.

"Dude! Gross!" Kyle yelped, jerking away from the toilet as Kenny lolled his head on the toilet seat. "At least pick your head up. Do you know what asses have been sitting on that thing? Probably Cartman's!"

Kyle tried to lift Kenny's head up, but Kenny just pushed him aside, leaned over and spewed the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

"Urgh," Kyle muttered, sitting back on his heels, "What the fuck did you have for dinner, man? Seriously, is that blue-colored?" Kenny whimpered pathetically. Kyle sighed. He felt a spark of pity and patted Kenny's back as Kenny lurched violently towards the toilet again.

Behind them, a stall door creaked open.

"Dude," Kyle called out to the bathroom. "Whoever's out there, get me some water, 'kay?"

A foot squished to the floor in the stall next to them.

Kyle poked at it. "Seriously man, get a fucking move on. What are we waiting for here? Spontaneous particle creation? Move!"

Another foot hit the ground and shuffled forward.

"Shithead." Kyle mumbled to himself. He hoisted Kenny up ignoring Kenny's garbled "You're my best friend, man - bestest best. Tell me that we're gonna be together forever, dude. Wow, has your face always looked like that?" and dragging him over to the sink. Kyle leaned Kenny over the counter and grabbed a couple of paper towels. He turned the sink on and after wetting the towels, wiped Kenny's face off. Kenny examined himself in the mirror with great fascination.

"Alright dude," Kyle said, "I think you're done for the night. Want to crash at Cartman's with me? He can –"

Kenny screamed and lunged into Kyle, knocking both of them over. "What the fuck!" Kyle squawked, pinwheeling backwards into the paper towel dispensary with a thump, Kenny on top of him. "What the – HOLY SHIT!"

Reaching for them with muddy arms was a creature out of nightmares – well, not out of their nightmares because they had grown up in South Park where possessed demon dogs from hell attacked the town every Tuesday – but it cut a terrifying figure nonetheless. It's eyes seeped out of its head, oozing white liquid like two trails of tears; its mouth was open in a garish, silent scream, yellowed and rotting teeth shining under the fluorescent lighting. It was stumbling towards them, once human, once a…young boy if the ripped MC Hammer t-shirt and baggy jeans it was wearing meant anything.

"Z – Zo – ZOMBIE!" Kenny shrieked.

As it took another step closer, Kyle screamed like a strangled cat, scrambling against the dispenser. Then as the creature went in for the kill, Kenny grabbed the Ouiji board next to them and slammed it across the creature's face. Grime and blood sprayed across Kenny and Kyle's faces. Kyle, still screaming, gagged on the taste of rotting corpse and sputtered to a halt. The creature took one more step forward and then fell to the ground. Kenny, sobered up, took a step forward and poked at it with his foot. The creature twitched and Kenny made a hysterical, high-pitched eep–like noise but the creature didn't get back up.

Kyle detached himself from Kenny. "Dude…you saved my life." He felt strangely calm in the aftermath. Then again, he had lived through the Jonas Boys invasion, so this wasn't really too big a deal.

White-faced, Kenny picked up the Ouiji board – it had broken in two. "Well yeah." He said, his voice carrying only a hint of tremor. "It's one thing if that thing eats me. But you don't come back to life and it looked like you were too busy pissing yourself to do anything. If you had died I bet your boyfriend would have flipped a shit. And Christophe probably would have been mad too." Kenny smiled weakly. "Get it? I implied that Stan was-"

"Kenny," Kyle interrupted, "I think that was a zom–"Kenny leaned over and vomited in the sink. "-bie." Kyle finished.

"No shit Sherlock! Fuck!," Kenny rasped, rapidly losing his composure now that the zombie was dead…again, "What the fuck are we going to do? What the fuck happened?" Kyle winced; he forgot that Kenny usually checked out (read: died) before any of their zany adventures got _too_ real.

"Well," Kyle started, "I think it was-"

"What the fuck happened?"

"I'm trying to tell you – it was-"

"WHAT THE FUCK-"

"IT WAS THE FUCKING OUIJI BOARD!" Kyle roared back, "GET A FUCKING GRIP!"

Taking charge, Kyle wiped the mud and blood off his "Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive." T-shirt and stalked towards the exit, yanking a white-faced Kenny along with him.

"Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit." Kenny chanted frantically as they stumbled towards the door. "What the fuck are we going to? Oh no, I broke the Ouija board. I fucked loved that thing! What will-"

"Shut up Kenny!" Kyle snapped. "You killed it. It's dead."

"But-"

Kyle pulled Kenny through the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind them. With a quick flick of his wrist, he locked it. "Don't tell anyone." He warned, pushing Kenny against the bathroom door. "It's over. It'd just cause mass panic – and we _really_ don't need to get our parents involved. My mom will kill me. You broke the Ouiji board – you stopped whatever it was."

"Kyle, I think-"

"Hey guys, what's up?"

Kyle screamed, high-pitched and girl-like. "Fucking hell, Stan! How many times are you going to do that!"

Stan laughed good-naturally but Wendy, standing next to him, twirling her pleated skirt in one hand, frowned. "What were you guys doing? Your clothing is all...rumpled."

Kenny laughed nervously. "Not raising zombies, that's for sure!" he squeaked out.

Kyle kicked him. "Oh my god Kenny!" he hissed. Kyle shifted awkwardly. "Um…" he said. "We were…you know, what it looks like."

Wendy stared at him for a moment and then laughed hysterically. "Okay seriously, Kenny, like you'd ever touch Kyle. He's hideous. What's really going on?" She gasped, "Are there really zombies in the boy's bathroom?"

"Wendy!" Stan cried out, "That wasn't what he meant. Kyle's with Christophe! And…and…that's a terrible thing to say!"

"Yeah," Kenny added. "Besides Kyle has a great personality."

Wendy and Stan turned to stare at Kyle who was kicking the bathroom room with an aggravated expression on his face. "You know," Kenny muttered, "Hypothetically."

**To be Continued...**


End file.
